Ammunition > Heroics

OK, so, it's been rumored that four people have at least looked at this blog. Pretty snazzy.
Anyway, today's topic (or at least the first one): Conspiracy theories!

As many... er, some... well, a few. OK, a couple of you know that... No, actually, uh... Well, somewhere there's someone who may have heard that I'm sort of writing a book about the Umbrella Man Conspiracy. It was actually supposed to be a research essay for school originally, but it kind of grew over time (like most of my school projects do). I'll probably end up shortening it for the actual essay, maybe like just the first "chapter" (out of three to five; it's going to be relatively short). I don't know what I'm doing with this; it'd be cool to publish it or something, since I've never done that before, but maybe I can have an excerpt just published in a newspaper or magazine, or just put it on the Internet... I could also do what James Paige did, that might be an interesting option.
Anyway, you may know about the Umbrella Man. He, along with Badge Man, Manhole Man, and other people whose names start with a capitalized common noun and end in "Man," is rumored to be involved in JFK's assassination-- or as I like to call it, the Kennedy "assassination." My book states that the "assassination" is only one part of the grand Conspiracy, which is responsible for many famous "assassinations" (And, now that I think about it, it might be a good idea to add Benazir Bhutto to that list). I put them in quotes because... Well, I imagine you can guess that they didn't actually occur (along with the moon landing and other such events) according to my book, but further details are secret for the time being.
I first heard about the Umbrella Man the best way anyone can.
I was in Dallas as part of a missions trip to do some maintenance work (mostly roofing) at a church in Humble (or something like that). We got to see the building Lee Harvey Oswald shot from, and, of course, next we went down to the infamous Grassy Knoll. There were tons of conspiracy theorists selling weird pamphlets and magazines, and they were all telling us about the "real story." Everyone's "real story" was a bit different, of course, but they did share many similarities. My favorite was the guy who went: "OKherearesomeautopsyphotossoifyouthinkthatmightdisturbyouthenletmeknow"--*whipsopenbooklet*
Thanks, mister, you scarred me for life. You didn't give me time to breathe, much less leave. Of course, these "autopsy photos" weren't very disturbing as I recall, it's just the concept that's funny. Anyway, the Umbrella Man interested me in particular, because, firstly, he was an actual person and not someone they totally invented by staring at blurry photographs zoomed in forty times for three hours ("...uhhh...that...that looks like... a badge, I think.... Umm... BADGE MAN!"). Secondly, he was actually kinda suspicious-looking. The main thing, though, is that the phrase "Umbrella Man" is just funny, and somehow automatically carries the weight and humor of the entire conspiracy theory concept behind it. Sort of like Black Helicopters. Speaking of which, I found this funny website with Black Helicopter autopsy photos. I nearly died laughing just seeing that phrase. Seriously, Black Helicopter autopsy photos. Who would have thought...?
Anyway, ever since then, the Umbrella Man has sort of been one of those weird things with me, like cookies (the cookies thing is a long story that might take too long to explain, and even then you may not understand). I even made an Umbrella Man card for our Apples to Apples game. So, naturally, it was only a matter of time before I started writing something like this. I'm going to try to incorporate every one of those strange little things there are conspiracy theories about into it. You know, the JFK assassination, Black Helicopters, UFOs, Elvis, Stonehenge, etc.... and other things, too; dragons, the Sea People, Excalibur, the Philosopher's Stone, ancient Mesoamerica... You name it, it's in there.

OK, well, enough with conspiracy theories for now. How about some plans for a hostile takeover!?
Have I mentioned how I'm upset with the nature of the updates to the official Smash Bros. site?
Well, I have, but not much in this blog (or at least not enough), I guess. OK, so today's update was pretty interesting; at least we got to find out what replaced the Wireframes / Fighting Polygons. But, seriously, when was the last time they announced something genuinely new? And when was the last time that thing was actually pretty cool? How about something really cool? I wish they would throw in another Sonic-The-Hedgehog-is-a-playable-character type of announcement sometime soon. Of course, it could be that they don't want to reveal their biggest secrets, and they have something really crazy they're hiding. If this was Shigeru Miyamoto we were talking about, there would be no question; he'd totally do something like that. I don't really know much about Sakurai-san, though. Maybe he genuinely ran out of cool stuff. Maybe that's it, that's all there is.
I'm thinking we shouldn't take the chance, and it's time to take drastic action! By drastic action, I really mean drastic action. Like, as in hostile takeovers. But I don't think there are enough people who'd be with me on this, so I'm thinking we go with something slightly more underhanded. We (and by "we" I mean me and anyone else who would help me, so basically... uh, just me) could start with kidnapping. We'll sneak into Nintendo of America's headquarters and kidnap Reggie Fils-Aime! Then again... See, that may not be a good idea. I'm not sure you know how scary that guy is, but, trust me, he is pretty creepy.

"We don't have to remind retailers of the strength we have right now."

...What's that supposed to mean? Is Nintendo planning on taking over the world with an army of motion-controlled robots with a touch-screen interface? Or perhaps something less sinister, like ordering the retailers to stop being so idiotic with their Wii package deal schemes. So maybe Reggie Fils-Aime isn't a good choice for a victim... Actually, he's scary enough that he's starting to make me think the whole thing may be a bad idea...

Well, I suppose that's it for today. Did that seem comparatively short? I think it was. I don't know. Actually, I've got an idea; I'm going to count the words in all of my posts (not manually, of course, I'll have my word processor do that for me). I'll leave myself a blank for the number in this one and fill it when I'm finished, so I'll actually count every word in the post, even though you'll be reading it before you even get to the end... That's kinda creepy.

Conspiracy Theories = 1, 380
Fwd: Re: Fwd: Fwd: Re: Re: Fwd: THIS IS HILARIOUS! = 1,173
nbdy crs man its da inernet = 1,662
Originality = 2,144
This is where you thank me for not sticking to single subjects = 1, 432
The Future = 662
Color Palettes, Weird Things You Didn't Know, The Ultimate Battle of Doom, and National Novel Writing Month = 931
2008 = 506
Post Number One = 1,789
Someone set up us the BLOG! = 538

Well, it looks like the longest post so far has been Originality, with a whopping 2,144 words! The smallest is 2008, which was just sort of a small little note (comparatively) at only 506 words. The sad part is, if you total all this up, it's longer than my book (when I say "my book", I'm usually referring to may "big project", Ring of Eshara) is so far, and I've only been doing this blog for about a week. I've pretty much been working on RoE my entire life. Still, this is informal sort of writing, where I can just type out anything that comes into my head. With RoE, I actually have to carefully consider every sentence, so it's a very different thing.
Okay, well, this would be the end of the post. Happy Elvis's birthday! (If you see him, let me know, it could be helpful for my research. Blurry photographs are good too.)


:::Source= Paul M-unit 19.91 MKII
...Fin...