Ammunition > Heroics

Some of us have realize how easy it is to be harmed, mortally wounded, or killed these days.
But for the rest of you, I think I should start out by pointing out how easy it is to be harmed, mortally wounded, or killed these days.
Very.

Got all that? Good.
I will now present an obscure number (I haven't decided on it yet, but when I'm done, I'll come back here and write it in. ...OK, here I am. It's 13.) of methods to prevent yourself from injury, and, more importantly, death.
These are the rules I live by. You should, too.


1. Avoid automobiles.
Anything with an engine and wheels is bad news. It's a proven fact that car accidents cause a tremendous percentage of accidental deaths.
Obviously, the way to avoid being killed in a an automobile collision is to stay away from them entirely.
Don't drive them. Don't go where they might be driven. Don't look at them. In fact, it's best if you don't even think about them.
Worrying can be dangerous, too.

2. Gossip is dangerous.
Ever discover people whispering behind your back, and you're sure they're talking about you? Yes, they are. But they're not just talking about you. They're plotting to kill you.
These people are no longer your friends. Ignore them.

3. Technology = evil.
Every technological device ever invented wants you -- and everybody else -- dead. They were created to abhor all living things. Well, technically speaking, this is a side-effect of their tiny conscience that is constantly telling them they are inferior to humans. This is added to most pieces of technology with the hopes that it will put them in their place.
Unfortunately, this really just makes them angry.
And anger quickly leads to murder.
This applies to almost any kind of mechanical or electrical device, but the more advanced it is, the more dangerous it is.
This is why much computer work is restricted to trained professionals. They know how to handle such deadly killers.

4. Stay away from dangerous objects.
All heavy things can crush you. All light things can be thrown or knocked towards you easily (and then kill you in a variety of ways). All pointy things can impale you. All sharp-edged things can slit your jugular veins. All blunt things can knock out your brain. All tiny things can get caught in your throat and cause you to choke to death (regardless of whether you actively try to put them in your mouth). All large things can fall over an smash you. All medium-sized things can cause you to trip over and fall to your doom.
As you can see, there are many dangerous things. If you absolutely must be around them, use extreme caution.

5. Liquids are bad news.
You can easily choke on or drown in any liquid.
Also, liquids are often naturally poisonous, and if they're not, they can be poisoned quite easily.

6. Don't catch any diseases or sicknesses of any kind.
...Because any physical abnormality has the potential to be fatal.
You can avoid getting sick by staying away from anything that looks dirty, slimy, or germy. Also, stay far away from anybody who is ill or has a history of being ill.
Don't go into hospitals, because they're filled with sick people. Another reason to not get sick yourself; you may be cured of one sickness, but then you'll catch another from being around somebody who had it.
Actually, it's a good idea to stay a good distance from all people at any given time, because they may have some sort of sickness they are immune to (one you are not immune to).
Any sort of open dish with food is bound to be filled with germs in seconds. Eat as quickly as you can, and seal up and close food containers at every opportunity.
Don't eat anything that is alive or has touched something that is alive. If you must eat something raw, neutralize it with wasabi, which instantly kills any germs it comes in contact with. Speaking of which, wasabi is good stuff to carry around, because you can put it on your food to ensure it is safe.

7. Suspicious people look suspicious because they want to kill you.
If you ever see any suspicious-looking figures, run away. Or you could try knocking them out and dragging them to the nearest police station. Or you could take the law into your own hands and have them tied up and thrown off a bridge.
But if anyone asks, you didn't get that idea from me.

8. Be on the lookout for Black Helicopters.
Black Helicopters are a leading cause of death in several countries (most notably the United States). In fact, over 90% of unexplained preemptive intentional killings with malevolent purposes in North America are caused by Black Helicopters.
Unfortunately, death by Black Helicopter is extremely hard to avoid. Because of this, it's a good idea to stay indoors whenever possible. Of course, to further prevent the Helicopters from knowing where you are, it's a good idea to move around frequently without being seen. I suggest underground tunnels or rifts in the space-time continuum as safe, efficient methods of travel.
In the unlikely event that you are able to see a Black Helicopter before it kills you, be sure to take a photograph. This won't help you survive in any way, but pictures of them are rare, so it's nice if you're able to take a picture of your attacker before your life is taken.

9. Natural disasters are deadly, but easily avoided.
Obviously, you can keep clear of any natural disasters by avoiding nature altogether. Stay indoors, and don't live near water or fault lines.

10. If your house is bright, your future isn't.
Be sure to keep as many lights off in your house (or whatever building you happen to be in) as possible. Lit houses are easy to spot and night and, as such, are easy targets for bombers, drive-by shooters, rukhs, psychopathic ice cream truck drivers, etc.
Also, bulbs can shatter -- injuring or killing you with flying pieces of glass -- due to unexpected increases in electrical flow. Keeping switches off (or simply not having light bulbs screwed in) solves this problem.

11. If you stay away from dead things, you'll stay away from being dead.
Dead things (people, animals, circuits, etc.) are dead for a reason.
The "reason" might still be nearby. Why stick around and wait for the next person, who will, at that point, be looking at two dead things?
Avoiding graveyards isn't just superstition. It's an essential survival technique.
Graveyards, in addition to holding many, many dead people who may or may not have died before coming to the graveyard (meaning their bodies may not have escaped the trouble), are also homes for legions of nasty undead creatures like animate skeletons, zombies, and liches.

12. Weather is deadly.
If it's too hot, you burn up. If it's too cold, you freeze.
Obviously, this means you must remain indoors at all times and maintain a mundane, artificial atmosphere that is completely free of harmful temperatures.

13. Learn how to detect ominous occurrences.
When something seems odd or unusual, that's your signal to get away from it as fast as you can.
Anything that's not acting the way it should, or is different, or unusual, or just seems creepy to you for some reason; well, it's all a sign that something deadly is going to happen.
If you miss the signs, you won't have anybody to blame but yourself.
Even worse is if you see them, but you ignore them.

Following all of these tips can be a bit difficult, and you're certainly not going to be well-respected for it.
You may be called "paranoid," "overly suspicions," "morbid," "macabre," and "a certifiably fanatical nutcase who is completely bonkers and should be locked up in the loony bin."
But what's it to you if it noticeably extends your life expectancy?