Ammunition > Heroics

Every good story has some kind of conflict. The end of the story, then, comes when that conflict begins to be resolved. Well, my story for the year is beginning to wrap up, and Paul versus college turned out to not be such a difficult struggle. This has definitely been a huge year for me, though. I've learned a lot, of course, but most of that learning happened outside the classroom. I've changed and grown more than I expected I would, and I'm really happy about that.

I could say a lot about this year, and I think the best way to communicate the important things is to fall back on a technique I seem to use fairly frequently: categorization.


Education
Obviously, I have been spending a lot of time learning things. Most of my classes were related directly to the Bible, and it was really cool that, even in the ones that weren't, it was apparent that I was at a Bible college. That really helped enforce the idea that this is not a religion. It's not just another thing I do; my whole life is about glorifying God.
My understanding of the Bible has really increased this year, and I feel like I have just generally become a lot more intelligent. I was a little skeptical at first, because I've spent a lot of time learning things just by reading on the Internet, and for a while I wasn't sure if the education I received at college was even going to be worth the money I would be spending. I've discovered, though, that reading is just generally inferior to a formal education. Granted, it's still really expensive (especially at a private school). But it's definitely beneficial.

Time
I have had to learn a lot of things about time management. I've always had a problem dealing with small amounts of things. Loose change used to bother me, because it takes up more space than I felt it was worth. I had the same issue with time; if I only had a few spare minutes, I never used them well. Being here, though, has really changed that. Between school, work, and other miscellaneous obligations, I haven't had a lot of free time. I still have a long way to go in improving how I use that time, but I feel like I'm definitely more efficient now. Now, when I am doing things that would be considered "entertainment" or "leisure activities", I willfully spend time, deciding why doing such a thing would be beneficial at the moment, even if it's just something like "I need a break from homework or my brain is going to cave in." I've learned that though it is definitely possible to waste time without thinking I am doing so, it is at most an extremely rare occurrence for me to think I am wasting my time and actually be spending it well. As soon as I decide something is a waste of time, it becomes a waste of time because I'm not applying myself to it anymore. Furthermore, wasting time is never a good thing.

Wisdom
For most of high school (well, the first two years in particular), I was a very foolish person. More or less a complete moron at times. People would give me advice, and I would ignore it. "These people don't understand the whole situation," I'd think. "I'm the one going through this, so I have the best grasp of what's going on. So doesn't that mean I can come up with the best solution?" This year taught me a lot about listening to other people, though. I've been specifically asking for advice on a lot of things, large and small, from my pastors, my parents, and various friends. I've heard a lot of really intelligent things, and it's helped make me a generally wiser person. Listening to my professors has been really good too. They really want to get to know all of their students (one of the benefits of a smaller school), and they all made it clear that they were available to talk at pretty much any time. I didn't really take advantage of that as much as I could have, but I got to know them a little better just from sitting with them at meals and such. Next year I should spend even more time around my teachers to see what I can learn from them. They're all very smart, reasonable people.

Friends
Speaking of smart, reasonable people... I've made a lot of really great friends this year. Of all of the subjects I'm bringing up here, this has been the most important. If it hadn't been for the people here, this whole year would have been unremarkable. I remember my parents and other adults telling me several times that the friends I made at college would quickly become some of my best friends and would stay that way for the rest of my life... I didn't realize how true that was, of course, until it really happened. Sure, I made some nice friends in high school, and I'm kind of close to some of them. But here it's been really different. I never really had to go through much before... Dealing with different things as an adult has resulted in me growing closer to the people around me. Up until now I didn't really need good friends, just people to hang out with. It's definitely true that most of the people I know here here aren't lose friends, and many really are just people I do things with a lot. But at the same time, there's a much smaller group of closer friends. There's a few people in particular that I really appreciate, and most of them realize that, but there are some who are probably still pretty unwitting about how much they really mean to me. Other people didn't used to be very important to me; I was pretty proud and self-centered. But now I've really started to rely more on others... I'm not sure I really expected this, but it's definitely my friends who have really made this year meaningful.

Communication
I've always been a pretty straightforward person, but this year has really taught me the importance of honesty. In the past, when people did things that I found to be hurtful, I just tried my best to spend less time around those people. Now, though, I have become a lot more comfortable with talking to people directly and telling them about the problem. I've really appreciated all of the opportunities I have had just to talk with people in general this year. I've gotten to know the people around me pretty well; I've learned a lot, even about the people I wouldn't consider to be really good friends. I've also met quite a few people who are particularly good listeners... A lot of the things I like to talk about don't interest other people, or they are things nobody really understands at all. But I've found a surprising number of people who will listen to me anyway. It's been neat.

Gravity
I will readily admit that I'm not a normal person. I have weird interests and a weird personality. But as people got to know me near the beginning of this year, I realized that my weirdness wasn't being taken very well. A lot of people began to see me, not just as odd, but as silly. Nobody really understood a lot of the things I said, so they just thought I was crazy and didn't take me seriously at all. Eventually I realized that by not being very reserved, I was actually encouraging those opinions. In the end, I announced as publicly as possible that this was going to have to be fixed, admitting that a good portion of this was my fault. Since then, I've definitely been working on that area... But even now, there are a lot of people who refuse to see me as a serious person. I have said things like "You know, I'm very realistic," and people just laugh. "No you're not, Paul," they say. "You don't make any sense at all." If they would just take five seconds to actually listen to what I'm saying some time, they might change their minds... I guess I still have some work to do. I definitely can't take all of the responsibility; it's clear at this point that this isn't totally my fault. But I think I can go pretty far just by being honest with people and trying to be a little more understandable.

Art
For some reason, after I made a lot of friends this year, I just assumed I had now surrounded myself with reasonable critics. I quickly discovered, however, that this is not the case at all. I don't often directly solicit feedback, but I don't really need to. I get a lot of very brief comments that are often difficult to interpret... I'm honestly not sure why I expected everybody to understand what I'm doing. Maybe it's because I spend a lot of time reading the opinions of people who are on the same page as me (this year I was even able to meet a small group of independent game developers in Ames, which was very cool). Whatever the case, I quickly discovered that people think a lot of what I do (especially the things I draw, since that makes up most of what people actually see right now) is really weird. Well, it is weird. That's intentional. But for some reason it bothers me when people react to it... I'm beginning to understand that the people I'm used to hearing (/reading) from are used to strangeness and love things that are unique. But out in the "real world", not many people like that exist. I still want to create things that are unusual, because, in my opinion, making things just like what everybody else has already done is a big waste of time. People have to have a reason to choose what I'm producing over all of their other options, and they're going to choose based on what is different. I feel that even the most relaxed, reserved, and "normal" person, somewhere inside, has a desire to see something new. At the same time though, if I go too far, I'm going to turn a lot of people away. So I've been working on finding some kind of balance.
Another issue related to this is the fact that people simply do not take games seriously at all. A lot of people treat what I'm doing as a joke, and often I have just played a long, because it seems like a waste of time to try to convince people. In the future, though, I'm going to work harder at trying to make my friends understand that what I am doing is serious business to me. I am, very honestly, trying to make art that will impact people. And I think it's completely acceptable that I have chosen to use games as one of the mediums I'm doing that through.

God's Will
This has been a crazy year as far as what it has revealed about the future. I went in not knowing what God had for my life... and I'm coming out not knowing what God has for my life. But there has been a big difference. I'm not at all worried. God is revealing small things, one at a time, and showing me that it's OK to not know where I'll be five years from now. I was really encouraged and challenged by going over Phil Vischer's book a second time (because I wrote a paper on him for English). In it, he states strongly that where he is in five years is none of his business, and he suggests that this is the way all Christians should live. I agree with him. I understand that God has shown a lot of people what their careers are going to be, but He never shows all of the details. Well, God has been showing me that for me, my career is one of those unimportant details. He'll let me know when I need to know. Right now... I don't need to know. That seems weird since I'm at college, but very recently something came up that could possibly explain the rest of my education, as well as the first few years after I graduate. This came up very recently, and as soon as I was given the idea, I also received a very interest feeling of peace and comfort. It's still too soon to say much else about this; I feel like I still need to think and pray about it a lot more before I'm certain. But it's been really cool to watch how God is showing me important things about the rest of my life; I'm really learning to trust Him, because His plan is much better than anything I could come up with.
In addition to what I've just mentioned, there's at least one other thing that has to do with the future, but not necessarily my career... something God seems to be showing me a very small part of. I'm not ready to talk about either of those things yet, because they're really just things I'm now considering that I had been confused about before. As they take more shape, I'll be able to share more. Until then... I'm just waiting and trusting God.



...I think I've covered most of what I wanted to cover.
Now, on to a new topic:

I think this post is a fitting way to close the school year... and also a fitting way to close this whole blog. This is going to be the last post you'll see here.
Now, that doesn't mean I'm done blogging all together. Through the summer and into next year, I plan on taking more time to share what I've been up to. But I want to make a lot of changes in general format and schedule, as well as in the content and purpose of the actual posts.
I'm going to label my next blog as a "development blog" for my projects. That's going to be its primary purpose, but it will definitely also cover what has been going on in my life. Some things that are more detailed or personal, however, will be left out. If I want to post about those things, I will use Facebook notes (if you're not already my friend on Facebook, you can add me), so people who won't really understand / don't need to hear what I'm talking about won't see them. Currently, the only people who really know about this blog are people who do understand what I'm talking about most of the time and are interested in hearing it. But that's going to change for this next blog, which will be considerably more public. I don't know if that means it will actually be read that much, though.
Now that I've brought that up, actually, I should address it, because it's a significant issue.
I read a lot of blogs. I like reading blogs. If you have one and you don't think I'm reading it, let me know, and I'll bookmark it. If you don't have one, but you read some that are interesting, you should show me those, too. Because I like blogs. Apparently, though, I'm part of a dwindling group. Not a lot of people read blogs anymore, it seems.
So I would really like feedback on this... If I start a new blog, will you actually read it? How often? Leave a comment.

Anyway, here's what I'm thinking of doing with the new blog:

1. I will post updates on what I am working on. Not just computer games, though! Expect to see other things... drawings, music, short stories, videos... whatever I feel like working on. Mostly you'll probably see weird sketches, stuff from whatever game I end up picking as my big project (because I really need to get one and stick with it), and odd bits of writing. I plan on doing a lot of writing over the summer; it's one of several things I want to turn back into a habit that will hopefully be preserved into the school year.
2. I will post updates on what I have been up to in life. These probably won't be very detailed, because I'll mostly just be doing work and school and such, but hopefully every now and then I will also relate a brief story... something weird or interesting that happened to me.
3. I will post pictures. Not just drawings and screenshots and the like, but actual photographs. I don't know what they will be of. Probably random stuff. But I want to make things seem a lot more personal and "real"; photographs are a good way to do that.
4. I will post regularly. I don't know how often it's going to be... it will depend on what I have time for, especially once school starts again. But I will definitely try to post less sporadically than I have been for this blog lately (where I will post three days in a row and then not post anything fr three months).


Well, that's all. And this is the last time I'll be saying goodbye from here... Hopefully I'll see you some time later in a new place!